John Cleese On Security

How we Brits Cope with Terrorism.

Reposted from: “John Cleese On Security” at This Day – One Day

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be Right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person (Note: I doubt this is really from John Cleese, as “neighbour” was originally spelt wrong, but it sounds good 🙂

Another funny “John Cleese” Viral Letter is: John Cleese Letter to USA (November 2000)

Categories: Humour

Tags: , ,

18 replies

  1. Too Funny, i liked this very much.


  2. John Cleese is my all-time favourite comedian (note the spelling – Canadians do that too)! The best part is that he writes all of his own materials!


    • Congratulations on the spelling. I corrected the punctuation for you, by closing the brackets, and deleting the exclamation mark in the middle of the sentence.

      No need to thank me. Australians are always happy to help our Canadian friends, who have been disadvantaged by their close proximity to that other country. 🙂


  3. Oh no! France ran out of white flags again? The new world order is in disarray!


  4. Oh, that was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh :0)


  5. Reblogged this on DEAD0ROONEY.COM and commented:
    “A Bit Cross” (@^@)


  6. A link would have been nice Craig … And yes I left all the grammatical errors as is … When I received it through a friend, I knew I would have to publish it, very funny!


  7. Even though I enjoyed it as well, I agree with you that it probably wasn’t written by Mr. Cleese.

    He most certainly wouldn’t have mentioned the war.


  8. My favourite security level is ” A bit cross” 🙂



  1. John Cleese Letter to USA (November 2000) « Craig Hill

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